


Alienz

by SixofCrowsBabies



Category: Original Work
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Gen, I wrote this in an hour, Multi, Other, dont read, i laughed hopefully youll laugh too, lol, such crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-08-23 08:40:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16615658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SixofCrowsBabies/pseuds/SixofCrowsBabies
Summary: What if when people die there’s an afterlife and the afterlife is cool so when aliens invade earth the dead people are called back





	Alienz

**Author's Note:**

> Nobody’s gonna read this but I hope you enjoy I laughed at some parts so it’s possible

I walk up to the house that I share with the three people I spent the most time with in life. After dying, we decided to share a house in the afterlife. This one is small and hipsterish, with lots of open spaces and lofts and hammocks for when we’re feeling spicy and want to sleep somewhere different. I open the door and walk into the kitchen to see Jackie laying down on the counter, casually munching on a piece of bacon. 

Jackie is probably the most chill person on the planet, or she was, and now she’s the most chill person in the afterlife. She’s always lounging around like a lazy dog, wears nothing but tank tops and shorts and socks, has shaggy hair that seems to be the same length all the time. But the thing about Jackie is that she doesn’t feel pain. Well, she probably feels it, just on a very, very diluted level. There’s all kinds of bruises and scars and scars on her body from where she picked up a knife by the handle, when a hammer landed on her head, when she picked a cinnamon roll straight out of the oven because she was too impatient to wait. She just seemed impossible to kill because of the fact that she either is an extreme sadist or was born with no nerves or no brain. 

So wasn’t it a surprise when she actually died. She picked a piece of bacon straight off the stove and bit into it. But it was still boiling hot, so it burned through her tongue, causing a piece of it to break off and fall down her throat, making her choke. She choked on her own tongue. 

“Not scared of bacon,” I ask dryly. 

She shakes her head and takes another bite. 

“It was good bacon,” she states. 

There is a beeping sound, then the announcer’s voice comes on. 

“Attention citizens of the afterlife,” he begins. “It pains me to say this. But, if I don’t announce this, we are soon going to have a lot more residents coming in, and then it will be too crowded.”

Jackie and I both nod at that.

“So, we are going to do this,” says the announcer. “Aliens have invaded Earth, and since they are aliens, they are definitely harmful. So, since the humans are so pathetic and defenseless, we must assist them so they can continue living. And that means going back to Earth.”

Everyone in the afterlife lets out a collective, “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

“I don’t wanna go back,” Jackie whines. “It was so terrible! There’s a reason we die! So that we can have fun for once!” 

“Yeah,” I respond. “Why would we go back?! We’ve done that for long enough!” 

“We died early but still,” Jackie exclaims. 

A car pulls into the driveway, and Sybil walks in the door a second later. 

“So,” she says. “We’re going back to Earth?”

Jackie and I swallow and nod sadly. 

Sybil sighs and rolls her eyes nearly into the back of her head, then says, “Well then, let’s go.”

We all get into her car and drive to the town center, where others are already waiting. Sybil takes the keys to her living car and puts them in her pocket. 

Part of me is surprised she still drives at all, but I guess she loves it too much to give up in the afterlife. She died from getting run over by her own car. She says she knows exactly who did it, and that he’s still alive. 

“Are you going to get revenge now that we’re going back,” I ask. 

She nods. Behind her sunglasses, I can tell that her eyes look vengeful. 

“Alright let’s go,” the ruler of the afterlife says. He gives everyone a high five as they walk by and get onto the subway-looking train that will take us back to Earth. 

It takes a few minutes, and the train car gets more and more uncomfortable as we’re all jostled around. I notice that Claire Dunn and her murderer are sitting right next to each other on the train and laugh. 

The train arrives on Earth. It looks exactly the same as we left it. There’s so sign of aliens or anything amiss. I feel like the humans were just being whiney. 

Then I look up, and there’s a huge spaceship hovering in the sky. I turn around to show Sybil and Jackie, but Jackie begins to run away. 

She yells, “I’m going to party with the aliens!”

She trips and falls on her face and rips a sock, then gets back up and keeps running. 

The dead start to call Ubers and walk into restaurants and get out their phones and start to call their living friends.

Sybil asks, “Wanna come kill this guy with me?”

I pump my fist and follow her. It takes her a few minutes to find her car, then we get into it. She looks up the guy on Facebook, tracks him down, then brings him to stand in the road. 

I expect Sybil to drive slowly, draw it out, torture the guy, all the normal revenge stuff. But she just gets the car lined up, then slams on the gas and runs him over. It’s over in five seconds. 

“That was nice,” she says, then gets out of the car and walks into the burger place right next to us. 

Jackie bursts into the restaurant a few minutes later. She has a pink streak in her hair and glitter on her face. 

“ALIENS ARE AWESOME,” she yells, then sits down in the booth next to us. Sybil gets her burger and tries to take a bite, but quickly yelps and sets it down. Jackie is babbling about how the aliens play classical music instead of techno but it still gets you turnt and then she starts going off about what she was doing with the aliens and I grab a fork and stab her in the hand before she gets any further with those descriptions. She looks at the fork, then at me, then begins to talk about the food they served at the spaceship. 

Eventually the humans determine that the aliens are not actually a threat and they don’t need our help. As the dead are standing in front of our train, someone asks, “Okay guys, what lesson did we learn from this?”

“That living people are stupid,” someone responds.

“That maybe people shouldn’t come to assumptions,” someone else yells. 

“Does it really matter,” I yell. 

I hear mutters of, “you’re right, she’s right, why are we even here, why did my girlfriend leave me,” then the train arrives and we all get on. 

When we arrive back at the afterlife, Jackie says, “Man, I sure miss those aliens.” 

I hear cheesy sitcom ending music playing.

**Author's Note:**

> Lol


End file.
